The measured part is concealment. Among people in committed relationships, more honesty goes with higher satisfaction and lower distress, and mutual openness about use goes with the least distress of all. That is cross-sectional and self-reported, so it establishes a pattern rather than a cause, but the direction is consistent.
The part everyone assumes is measured, and isn't, is the comparison the phrase "better they hear it from you" implies. Nobody has compared discovery with disclosure. The concealment is what the data speak to; the timing is folklore.
So the question is less "should I confess" and more "what is the hiding doing to me, and to us". Shame is a concealment emotion, and concealment is precisely the state in which a private behaviour thrives. If secrecy is part of the pattern, it is also part of the problem.
If disclosure carries any risk of harm to you, get advice before you get honest.
If you do tell them, lead with what you are doing about it rather than with detail. The conversation that helps is about the change you are making, not an inventory.
Where this comes from
Read the full lesson: Telling a partner →
Sources and how strong they are (2)
- Mixed evidenceConcealing pornography use from a partner is associated with greater distress and lower relationship satisfaction than using openly. Whether being found out is worse than telling them - the comparison the phrase "discovers rather than being told" implies - has not been tested.
- Resch & Alderson 2014, J Sex Marital Ther 40(5):410-424, doi:10.1080/0092623X.2012.751077, PMID 23898992
- Zitzman & Butler 2009, Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 16(3):210-240, doi:10.1080/10720160903202679
- Dropped as a source, because it does not contain this claim — Olmstead et al. 2013, Arch Sex Behav 42(4):625-635, doi:10.1007/s10508-012-9986-7, PMID 22886349
- Well establishedShame is a concealment emotion associated with withdrawal and hiding, and predicts poorer behaviour-change outcomes than guilt, which is behaviour-focused and action-oriented.
- Tangney JP, Stuewig J & Mashek DJ 2007, Annual Review of Psychology 58:345-372, doi:10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145, PMID 16953797, PMC3083636
- Tangney JP & Dearing RL 2002, Shame and Guilt, New York: Guilford Press, ISBN 978-1-57230-987-6
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