What should I do after a porn relapse?

Marlatt's relapse-prevention model gives the mechanism a name: the Abstinence Violation Effect. After a lapse, attributing it to a permanent flaw in yourself predicts a full return to the behaviour. Two people have the identical slip on day 30. One thinks I knew it, I can't do this, back to square one, and because the project is already lost, the rest of the night and then the week is a write-off. The other thinks that happened; I was exhausted, I'd had a row, I was on my laptop at midnight, goes to bed, and carries on in the morning. Same slip. Different weeks.

This is also why the shame-heavy version of quitting is not just unpleasant but counterproductive. A preregistered survey of 587 men in reboot communities found perceived relapse commonly followed by shame, worthlessness and sadness, and in some cases suicidal thoughts. Those are the ingredients of a write-off night.

So have a procedure, because you should not be improvising while you feel terrible.

1. Stop the episode now. Not tomorrow. This is the single highest-value action and it is available at every moment.
2. Do not do the debrief tonight. Nothing you conclude about yourself in the hour after a slip is reliable. Note the time, the situation, how you felt beforehand, and stop.
3. Tomorrow, run the facts. What was the cue? What state were you in? Was a plan in place that didn't fire, or was there no plan for this? Your trigger map just got real data.
4. Adjust one thing. One. If it was midnight on the laptop, the change is about the laptop at midnight. Fresh-start energy is a sugar high; a single specific adjustment beats a renewed vow every time.

A slip ends when it ends, not when the week does.

Where this comes from

Read the full lesson: The post-slip protocol →